BRIDGES

So, I am officially in a better state of mind than I was the last time I wrote. Big changes are coming because I have been making big changes in my life and my mind.
I am on the verge of making so much progress and change, it's ridiculous!

I know this because of some things I learned at a real estate conference yesterday. One....things will meet us at our level of thought. I have spent the last two years trying to change the way I feel and think about myself and my life. If affirmations were a rug, I would have worn a hole right through them with how often my mind has walked circles on them. And I believe it to be true. If you want a better business, better life, better relationship, or better anything, you need to be a better person. And to be a better person, we must change the way we think.

Two years ago, I was sad, depressed, fat, and all around pathetic. It was just after my divorce and I was at rock bottom. I was so broke I didn't know how I was going to pay my rent from month to month. I was donating plasma twice a week to fill my car with gas. I was so lonely, angry, and 3 sizes heavier than I am now. Overall, I was miserable. I was forced to take a good look at myself and my life and I was forced to make a choice of how it would all end. Was I going to let the pain devour me or was I going to go down fighting?

Honestly, most days I didn't want to get out of bed and I cried most nights and mornings just because I didn't know how I was going to face the day. I would lay in bed for hours going down a list of all the good things I have in my life, even if I didn't really believe it, I made myself rehearse it. I have children who love me unconditionally. I am smart, I am successful, I am a business woman, I am a top real estate agent, I can surf. No I wasn't those things, but I wanted to be so I continued to say these things over and over again. I even made signs and posted them on the wall for the days I didn't have the capacity to say them to myself. I would just read them. And as I did, I was able to find a little hope. From that hope, I was able to grow possibilities, and from the possibilities I was able to grow a real desire to have it. And once we have a true desire, we are willing to get out of bed in the mornings and work for what we want.

I don't think it's a coincidence that I have a white SUV in front of my house, because I had a picture of one on my walls for those two years. It's the nicest car I have ever owned and it's something that I was able to do for myself. Yeah, I have to work for it, but knowing that I was able to do this for myself, by myself, makes me feel proud of myself.

Now this is all great that we can change by changing our mindset, but how does it relate to bridges? Well, another difficult lesson I learned from last weeks emotional melt down is that once we have been able move forward and are able to cross over that bridge we never thought we could, we really need to take a big can of gasoline, pour it all over that bridge, light a match and watch that freaking bridge burn! It doesn't do us any good to cross to the other side when all we can do is look back at the friendships, family, and things that kept us down for so long thinking we don't belong on the other side, when of course we do! If we grow and change, then we need to accept that we deserve to have the good things and to be where we are!
I have made so much progress. I have gotten rid of the guys in my life who don't build me up. If someone won't put in the effort to be there for me, they don't deserve to be with me. I'm tired of being there for friends who are only there when they need something or family who are so negative it's tiring just to hear them speak. I'm done with this. Not because I'm better than them, but because I'm a better me.

The guy I spoke about last week is so donzo, and I finally feel free! After my little rant I decided I am not going to be ashamed how I feel anymore. I'm not going to pretend I don't feel things for the sake of looking like I don't care. I told that guy I don't appreciate him giving me so much attention and flirting with me when he has a girlfriend. I told him we can't be friends because I hadn't gotten over him and I was pissed that he chose someone so boring over me (trust me, they look so bored together, they don't even really talk or hold hands when they are together). I told him he's bored and if he weren't he wouldn't be coming to me with all of his flirtations. Yeah, it didn't set well with him. I took a match and burned that one down, but I finally feel like I'm over it. That friend of mine that I dated but he never wanted to pursue a relationship with me, yeah burned that one down. And although people always say, "it's their loss," but don't actually mean it because they secretly still want to be with that other person...not me. It's crazy, but I honestly feel, they are ones losing.

People always equate burning bridges with something negative, but trust me, with some people or circumstances, it's positive and it's necessary. I made a goal with myself that I am no longer going to be afraid of how I feel and I'm not going to be afraid of how people react to it, and I'm not going to apologize for it either. I don't mean creating conflict or drama where it isn't needed, but if someone hurts my feelings, I will tell them. If I believe in something, and someone says something derogatory about it, they will know I don't appreciate it. I have one life and I'm not going to live it in fear.

I have taken inventory of my friendships and my circles and I have realized that I have been putting too much effort in those who put none in me and I haven't given enough thanks to those who are there for me.

So from this day forth, I am going to strengthen, reinforce, and take care of those bridges that are worthy of my time. And anything less will be food for my fire to warm me on those cold cold nights!