Ahhhh! Xombies!!

Success is a bitch! She is like a harsh military captain who acts like she hates you but really she is training you to the point where you either have to succumb to her cruel teachings that leaves you sucking your thumb in a fetal position in the deep recesses of your closet, or pushes you past those mental limitations that tell you you're not good enough to the point where you actually start to believe that maybe I am good enough to have my dreams?

Well, the last two days for me have been what I call the crap before the good. Like the calm before the storm or how it gets darkest before the light, I have had a mental and emotional butt kicking! And of course it was started by a boy!

Self esteem and love for myself has been the single most challenging hurdle in my life. Not that I want to rehash the parent thing, but when love is inconsistent it is really hard to understand the notion of unconditional love. Especially when your parent tells you stuff like they should have thrown you in the trash when you were born, that stuff scars and sticks with you. As much as you hate to admit their opinion has that much pull over you, they are still your parents and you will always want their acceptance, but you get to the point where you realize you will never have it. Period. Yes it was cruel, but my empathy also realizes that they didn't know how to love because once upon a time no one loved them too.

Well, this is how my unhealthy idea between boys and love starts. It was simple and innocent. I grew up a tomboy. I had a few girl friends but my real passion and love was being outside with my group of guy friends playing football, baseball, pomp, pickle, capture the flag, basketball, and the ever famous in my neighborhood...buttball.

Being outside with my little guy friends was the one place I felt safe from the craziness at home. It is where I felt wanted, accepted, and in my little mind, loved. But just like neighborhoods do, they change. People move, which is not that big of a deal unless your whole identity is tied to that specific group of friends. When most of them moved all in the same summer, it was the worst time in my young life. I got really depressed. I didn't know it at the time but after having depression as an adult, I realize that's what I had for a while after all of my friends left. After that, my life would be an ongoing treasure hunt to find what I had with that group of boys, but we were young and innocent and it could never happen again.

I was getting older, thinner, and prettier and guys didn't see me as the chubby little tomboy that I once was and their interest in me changed, but my desire to have guys attention didn't. When the hottest guy liked me, I was okay. The problem was that the hottest guys are always the biggest douche bags and my relations were always based on all of the wrong things. Then I got pregnant at 18 and my life changed. It was harder, especially because I was an immature teenage mother who didn't really have a family I could depend on, so obviously I became a bigger and bigger mess until I met Nick.

Nick was the love of my life. It was literally love at first sight. I remember the first time I saw him, it is cliche' but it happened. It was as if everything was in slow motion and from that second, I knew I loved him. It was in California and it was the best summer of my life. Everything was new and he was the best escape from my tragic life and we were soo in love. But I moved back to Utah and everything sucked again. Nick and I grew apart and I was broken hearted for yeeears to come.

Eventually I had to move on because he did, which devastated me. I had never felt like that for anyone again. In fact, I learned to block those feelings. I refused to ever be in love again. I had relationships but never did I fall in love again. Forward about 18 years later. One year after my marriage ended I started to hang out with an incredibly nice guy from work and for the first time since I was 20 I fell in love. It was unexpected but for the first time since I was young, my walls came down and I fell with them. This man was falling in love with me too and my hopes were higher than Sundance. He said he wasn't ready to get into a relationship because he was still trying to heal from his last terrible break up, and having been recently divorce, I understood his desire for space and to take the chance to date because he had never really done that before. Since he was a teen he was always in a relationship, so we decided to give each other space and time to heal so we could be healthy for each other. After we (he) made the decision to get some space I wrote a song called Love Sick about it. It's one of the most raw and real songs I have written.

However, six weeks later, he told me he had a girlfriend! Obviously I had issues with this. Another love and another broken heart. Especially having to see him at work, it killed me, but being the grown up I am, I just learned to deal with it and get over it. At least get over it enough to not feel like crying whenever I see him anymore. So I did that and time passed. I was dating a friend of 12 years. We always had a thing for each other and have dated off and on over all of those years. But that was unhealthy and ended badly, which is okay for me, because I have known I needed out of it for a long time. So once again, I am alone and I'm learning how to be alone and be fine with it. I say I don't need a man in my life, but honestly, I have always had some puppy dog ready to hang out whenever I call. But for the first time I am just being on my own. No boys on reserve, just me.

I have been adjusting and have been relatively happy, then...enters him, again. The guy I fell in love with a year ago is suddenly back in my work life. We start talking and having personal conversations again and we are having a lot of fun at work together. Wow, I'm an idiot! But in my defense it's not just infatuation or lust. I know what that feels like, but that is not this. When I'm with him, even just standing next to him, I feel like he's a part of me and that we were meant for each other. I hear the words I'm saying and it sounds so stupid, but that's how it really feels deep inside. He is mine and I am his, only he belongs to someone else. And how can you be meant for someone who wants someone else? It doesn't make sense.

The worst part is thinking you're over someone until you see them with someone else! I saw him with his girlfriend and once again, it's killing me! It's bringing back all the insecurities and self doubt that are deeply rooted in me and suddenly I'm questioning everything. What makes me think I'm good enough to do real estate? How am I supposed to be successful and great when no one else can see it but me? I'm not special. No one wants me just for being me. I know it's irrational but these evil little xombies are eating my brain and my heart!

I know this is going to be the biggest hurdle in my real estate business and will be the biggest deterrent to my success. So how do I learn to accept, love, and be in love with myself when no one else is? Well, there is a trick I learned from a really great book. I think it is the single most helpful thing I have learned through all of my therapy and business training. Basically, you have to give yourself what you have always wanted, a caring, kind, parent who loves you unconditionally. And honestly, doing this is really what helped me to get out of my depression and helped me to start recovering from all of the mental and emotional abuse of my past.

I close my eyes and imagine me as I am now, holding me as a child and talking to myself. I just hold me and tell little me that I love me. I am important and I matter regardless of anything I do. I love me just because I am me. As silly as it sounds, it works. I usually have a big sob, but then it calms me, I start to feel like I'm okay and that there's nothing wrong with me and I feel like there's hope again.

And then the tomboy in me starts to come out. The tough little indian who fights for what she wants. The girl who can kick all of the boys butts and will, just to prove she can. The chubby, long haired girl with scabbed up knees that all the neighbor boys liked for nothing more than her just being herself.

I may have a lot of little broken pieces and I may have to cut up my feet a little to walk through them to get to my destination of success, but I'm okay with that. Because I know with every little doubt, there is also a little seed of hope. And I just have to be wise enough to know which ones to water. No matter what I do, something is going to grow and it's my job to decide which one it's going to be.

But honestly, the tomboy in me is very competitive and I know she will do whatever it takes to win!