BRIDGES

So, I am officially in a better state of mind than I was the last time I wrote. Big changes are coming because I have been making big changes in my life and my mind.
I am on the verge of making so much progress and change, it's ridiculous!

I know this because of some things I learned at a real estate conference yesterday. One....things will meet us at our level of thought. I have spent the last two years trying to change the way I feel and think about myself and my life. If affirmations were a rug, I would have worn a hole right through them with how often my mind has walked circles on them. And I believe it to be true. If you want a better business, better life, better relationship, or better anything, you need to be a better person. And to be a better person, we must change the way we think.

Two years ago, I was sad, depressed, fat, and all around pathetic. It was just after my divorce and I was at rock bottom. I was so broke I didn't know how I was going to pay my rent from month to month. I was donating plasma twice a week to fill my car with gas. I was so lonely, angry, and 3 sizes heavier than I am now. Overall, I was miserable. I was forced to take a good look at myself and my life and I was forced to make a choice of how it would all end. Was I going to let the pain devour me or was I going to go down fighting?

Honestly, most days I didn't want to get out of bed and I cried most nights and mornings just because I didn't know how I was going to face the day. I would lay in bed for hours going down a list of all the good things I have in my life, even if I didn't really believe it, I made myself rehearse it. I have children who love me unconditionally. I am smart, I am successful, I am a business woman, I am a top real estate agent, I can surf. No I wasn't those things, but I wanted to be so I continued to say these things over and over again. I even made signs and posted them on the wall for the days I didn't have the capacity to say them to myself. I would just read them. And as I did, I was able to find a little hope. From that hope, I was able to grow possibilities, and from the possibilities I was able to grow a real desire to have it. And once we have a true desire, we are willing to get out of bed in the mornings and work for what we want.

I don't think it's a coincidence that I have a white SUV in front of my house, because I had a picture of one on my walls for those two years. It's the nicest car I have ever owned and it's something that I was able to do for myself. Yeah, I have to work for it, but knowing that I was able to do this for myself, by myself, makes me feel proud of myself.

Now this is all great that we can change by changing our mindset, but how does it relate to bridges? Well, another difficult lesson I learned from last weeks emotional melt down is that once we have been able move forward and are able to cross over that bridge we never thought we could, we really need to take a big can of gasoline, pour it all over that bridge, light a match and watch that freaking bridge burn! It doesn't do us any good to cross to the other side when all we can do is look back at the friendships, family, and things that kept us down for so long thinking we don't belong on the other side, when of course we do! If we grow and change, then we need to accept that we deserve to have the good things and to be where we are!
I have made so much progress. I have gotten rid of the guys in my life who don't build me up. If someone won't put in the effort to be there for me, they don't deserve to be with me. I'm tired of being there for friends who are only there when they need something or family who are so negative it's tiring just to hear them speak. I'm done with this. Not because I'm better than them, but because I'm a better me.

The guy I spoke about last week is so donzo, and I finally feel free! After my little rant I decided I am not going to be ashamed how I feel anymore. I'm not going to pretend I don't feel things for the sake of looking like I don't care. I told that guy I don't appreciate him giving me so much attention and flirting with me when he has a girlfriend. I told him we can't be friends because I hadn't gotten over him and I was pissed that he chose someone so boring over me (trust me, they look so bored together, they don't even really talk or hold hands when they are together). I told him he's bored and if he weren't he wouldn't be coming to me with all of his flirtations. Yeah, it didn't set well with him. I took a match and burned that one down, but I finally feel like I'm over it. That friend of mine that I dated but he never wanted to pursue a relationship with me, yeah burned that one down. And although people always say, "it's their loss," but don't actually mean it because they secretly still want to be with that other person...not me. It's crazy, but I honestly feel, they are ones losing.

People always equate burning bridges with something negative, but trust me, with some people or circumstances, it's positive and it's necessary. I made a goal with myself that I am no longer going to be afraid of how I feel and I'm not going to be afraid of how people react to it, and I'm not going to apologize for it either. I don't mean creating conflict or drama where it isn't needed, but if someone hurts my feelings, I will tell them. If I believe in something, and someone says something derogatory about it, they will know I don't appreciate it. I have one life and I'm not going to live it in fear.

I have taken inventory of my friendships and my circles and I have realized that I have been putting too much effort in those who put none in me and I haven't given enough thanks to those who are there for me.

So from this day forth, I am going to strengthen, reinforce, and take care of those bridges that are worthy of my time. And anything less will be food for my fire to warm me on those cold cold nights!

Ahhhh! Xombies!!

Success is a bitch! She is like a harsh military captain who acts like she hates you but really she is training you to the point where you either have to succumb to her cruel teachings that leaves you sucking your thumb in a fetal position in the deep recesses of your closet, or pushes you past those mental limitations that tell you you're not good enough to the point where you actually start to believe that maybe I am good enough to have my dreams?

Well, the last two days for me have been what I call the crap before the good. Like the calm before the storm or how it gets darkest before the light, I have had a mental and emotional butt kicking! And of course it was started by a boy!

Self esteem and love for myself has been the single most challenging hurdle in my life. Not that I want to rehash the parent thing, but when love is inconsistent it is really hard to understand the notion of unconditional love. Especially when your parent tells you stuff like they should have thrown you in the trash when you were born, that stuff scars and sticks with you. As much as you hate to admit their opinion has that much pull over you, they are still your parents and you will always want their acceptance, but you get to the point where you realize you will never have it. Period. Yes it was cruel, but my empathy also realizes that they didn't know how to love because once upon a time no one loved them too.

Well, this is how my unhealthy idea between boys and love starts. It was simple and innocent. I grew up a tomboy. I had a few girl friends but my real passion and love was being outside with my group of guy friends playing football, baseball, pomp, pickle, capture the flag, basketball, and the ever famous in my neighborhood...buttball.

Being outside with my little guy friends was the one place I felt safe from the craziness at home. It is where I felt wanted, accepted, and in my little mind, loved. But just like neighborhoods do, they change. People move, which is not that big of a deal unless your whole identity is tied to that specific group of friends. When most of them moved all in the same summer, it was the worst time in my young life. I got really depressed. I didn't know it at the time but after having depression as an adult, I realize that's what I had for a while after all of my friends left. After that, my life would be an ongoing treasure hunt to find what I had with that group of boys, but we were young and innocent and it could never happen again.

I was getting older, thinner, and prettier and guys didn't see me as the chubby little tomboy that I once was and their interest in me changed, but my desire to have guys attention didn't. When the hottest guy liked me, I was okay. The problem was that the hottest guys are always the biggest douche bags and my relations were always based on all of the wrong things. Then I got pregnant at 18 and my life changed. It was harder, especially because I was an immature teenage mother who didn't really have a family I could depend on, so obviously I became a bigger and bigger mess until I met Nick.

Nick was the love of my life. It was literally love at first sight. I remember the first time I saw him, it is cliche' but it happened. It was as if everything was in slow motion and from that second, I knew I loved him. It was in California and it was the best summer of my life. Everything was new and he was the best escape from my tragic life and we were soo in love. But I moved back to Utah and everything sucked again. Nick and I grew apart and I was broken hearted for yeeears to come.

Eventually I had to move on because he did, which devastated me. I had never felt like that for anyone again. In fact, I learned to block those feelings. I refused to ever be in love again. I had relationships but never did I fall in love again. Forward about 18 years later. One year after my marriage ended I started to hang out with an incredibly nice guy from work and for the first time since I was 20 I fell in love. It was unexpected but for the first time since I was young, my walls came down and I fell with them. This man was falling in love with me too and my hopes were higher than Sundance. He said he wasn't ready to get into a relationship because he was still trying to heal from his last terrible break up, and having been recently divorce, I understood his desire for space and to take the chance to date because he had never really done that before. Since he was a teen he was always in a relationship, so we decided to give each other space and time to heal so we could be healthy for each other. After we (he) made the decision to get some space I wrote a song called Love Sick about it. It's one of the most raw and real songs I have written.

However, six weeks later, he told me he had a girlfriend! Obviously I had issues with this. Another love and another broken heart. Especially having to see him at work, it killed me, but being the grown up I am, I just learned to deal with it and get over it. At least get over it enough to not feel like crying whenever I see him anymore. So I did that and time passed. I was dating a friend of 12 years. We always had a thing for each other and have dated off and on over all of those years. But that was unhealthy and ended badly, which is okay for me, because I have known I needed out of it for a long time. So once again, I am alone and I'm learning how to be alone and be fine with it. I say I don't need a man in my life, but honestly, I have always had some puppy dog ready to hang out whenever I call. But for the first time I am just being on my own. No boys on reserve, just me.

I have been adjusting and have been relatively happy, then...enters him, again. The guy I fell in love with a year ago is suddenly back in my work life. We start talking and having personal conversations again and we are having a lot of fun at work together. Wow, I'm an idiot! But in my defense it's not just infatuation or lust. I know what that feels like, but that is not this. When I'm with him, even just standing next to him, I feel like he's a part of me and that we were meant for each other. I hear the words I'm saying and it sounds so stupid, but that's how it really feels deep inside. He is mine and I am his, only he belongs to someone else. And how can you be meant for someone who wants someone else? It doesn't make sense.

The worst part is thinking you're over someone until you see them with someone else! I saw him with his girlfriend and once again, it's killing me! It's bringing back all the insecurities and self doubt that are deeply rooted in me and suddenly I'm questioning everything. What makes me think I'm good enough to do real estate? How am I supposed to be successful and great when no one else can see it but me? I'm not special. No one wants me just for being me. I know it's irrational but these evil little xombies are eating my brain and my heart!

I know this is going to be the biggest hurdle in my real estate business and will be the biggest deterrent to my success. So how do I learn to accept, love, and be in love with myself when no one else is? Well, there is a trick I learned from a really great book. I think it is the single most helpful thing I have learned through all of my therapy and business training. Basically, you have to give yourself what you have always wanted, a caring, kind, parent who loves you unconditionally. And honestly, doing this is really what helped me to get out of my depression and helped me to start recovering from all of the mental and emotional abuse of my past.

I close my eyes and imagine me as I am now, holding me as a child and talking to myself. I just hold me and tell little me that I love me. I am important and I matter regardless of anything I do. I love me just because I am me. As silly as it sounds, it works. I usually have a big sob, but then it calms me, I start to feel like I'm okay and that there's nothing wrong with me and I feel like there's hope again.

And then the tomboy in me starts to come out. The tough little indian who fights for what she wants. The girl who can kick all of the boys butts and will, just to prove she can. The chubby, long haired girl with scabbed up knees that all the neighbor boys liked for nothing more than her just being herself.

I may have a lot of little broken pieces and I may have to cut up my feet a little to walk through them to get to my destination of success, but I'm okay with that. Because I know with every little doubt, there is also a little seed of hope. And I just have to be wise enough to know which ones to water. No matter what I do, something is going to grow and it's my job to decide which one it's going to be.

But honestly, the tomboy in me is very competitive and I know she will do whatever it takes to win!

Don't Burn the Toast!

My first Open House was a success! For Utah County standards at least. That means that people actually showed up, lol. But I'm not joking, it's normal to have a no show open house here, but if you are well prepared and vigilant about them, people may actually show up and I'm so glad they did for mine. There was even one couple who was very interested in buying the house. That was a plus.

However, let me tell you about some of the OMG moments that I will remedy the next time (this weekend).

1- Always bring extra shoes/socks: While pounding my little Open  House signs in the ground, I broke my shoe. And since lopsided walking is worse than bare feet, because there is only a 50/50 chance people will notice your fugly little toes with half the paint chipping off, then it's a good idea to just go barefoot and act normal and professional. Just pretend that you are one of those patchouli smelly hippies that prefers to feel mother nature's vibrations under your feet to keep you in tune with all of Earth's creations, before you slaughter them and put them in between a bun, of course. As far as bringing socks, the home owners didn't want people to wear shoes in their house anyway, so it almost worked out. If not for the frigid temperature the owners liked to keep their home at, leaving the floor feeling like a sidewalk on a chilly spring morning....brrrr. So, next time, I will keep a pair of fuzzy, yet warm house socks in my open house kit. If I ever have the energy & time to actually make an open house kit that is, warm socks will be there. 

2- Market to the RIGHT  people so you spend less time & energy: I did a good job by making flyers and knocking doors in the neighborhood of the open house, however, I forgot to hand the flyers out to the people who have the biggest influence over the real estate market. That would be other agents...duh! I'm in a room & office full of real estate agents and brokers everyday and yet I failed to mention it or even give a flyer to any of them. Finger & thumb in the shape of an L on my forehead, for sure! Oh, and make sure you put the date and time on the flyer as well. Using a blue pen as an after thought does not look very professional.

3- Bring the Noise. One word...awkward. For the normal, nice couples, a silent house is no big deal. They have no problem signing your little sign-in sheet or answering buying or selling questions. But then, there's the weird couple. The ones who act like timid deer caught in a car's headlights when you ask them a simple question like, "so are you working with an agent?" I'm pretty sure the scared little couple was crying of fright on the inside. I would have offered them a cookie, but I thought so much hospitality might break their fragile little bones. So, next open house, I think I'm going to bring a little radio and some happy tunes. It's like they say, "If there is no silence, there can be no awkward silence." Okay that was dumb. I made it up.

4- The last thing is to be professionally prepared. Know the answers to questions the guests might ask you, like who is the builder of the home, do the appliances come with the home, and where's the bathroom? Yeah, that stuff helps. Don't do what I did and stress about it for days but not prepare myself with the information so I spent half of my time reading the How to Have a Successful Open House manual while sitting at the open house. I guess what it really comes down to is preparation. Just freakin' be prepared.

So what does "Don't Burn the Toast" mean? Pretty much what it sounds like. It's just having common sense. If you want successful toast, do the right things, set it to the right temperature and don't burn it. 

What Does It Mean?

So. As a new real estate agent I am forced to start looking at myself from all different angles. Who I am, where do I want to go, and how do I wrap that up into a nice little package called a "Brand." What IS my brand?

Well, had I not gotten divorced two years ago forcing me to evaluate my whole existence and why I am who I am, I may still be clueless as to what I want and where I want to go.

However, divorce is much like a death and rebirth. It's a death of an idealistic way of thinking and dreaming into a harsh reality of facing what is really there in front of you. It's moments of stupidity and self destruct, and finally learning, trying, failing, and suddenly working, working, and working on yourself to become a better and more powerful you.

Well, I don't really want to bore you with all of the details but let me sum it up really quick. Divorced parents, unhealthy relationship with mother, NO relationship with father, desperate for attention. A rebellious but dream filled child with a kind loving heart and desire to make others around me happy. My past in a nutshell. Obviously, it led to teen pregnancy, single parenting, bad parenting, marriage to an addict (but a sweet loving addict), a major life crash, burn, and then a long harsh journey back to what's right and good.

And this is where I begin. I have learned my weaknesses, and I'm still trying to overcome them, but I have also learned my strengths and I am learning to accept them and mostly to stop apologizing for them.

I am a dreamer. My dreaming got me through the harshest years of my life. It has given me creativity to write music, and led me to many business ventures. Some successful on their own small scale, but most, I'm not going to lie, have been embarrassing disasters.

I love. I want to be loved, and I want to be IN love again one day. I am kind. Even when someone disrespects me I still try to be kind and gracious. I may not trust them, or allow them to sucker me again, but I will still be there with open arms should they need me. When I got divorced, people said I shouldn't let my ex come over so much, or at least make him pay his child support before he can see his kids, but I don't think my kids should have to pay for their parent's bad choices. So I allowed him to stay in our lives and now that he is part of my kids daily lives I know I made the right decision. But by having to defend my choice to friends and family, I realized that's who I am and I'm not going to apologize for it. I am not vindictive and I don't play games just to have the upper hand because it makes me feel gross and I don't want to be gross. I want to be kind. I am empathetic, and I'm not sorry.

So where does this take me? Duh! After countless pity parties and finally getting over myself I learned it just means that I am a normal person like everybody else with the same heart aches, pains, wins, and losses. That doesn't make separate or make me special. What sets me apart from the rest of the world is how I choose to overcome those trials. And that has led me to the point I am painstakingly trying to make. How I choose to deal with situations is what defines who I am and has been ingrained in me by where I come from. That is something special and unique. I am Native American and I love it.

I am Dineh'. In Navajo it means The People. And the Dineh' are special. We believe in families, in sharing, and walking as one with the earth. It's walking in beauty in every way. The women of Dineh' are the strong ones. We are the leaders. We love and we are not selfish. We share, we give, we help where help is needed and we work HARD. This is who I am. I may not have grown up on the reservation, but I own, and have the qualities of the strong Navajo woman. Despite the relationship strains and the lack of credit I give, I learned how to be a strong, independent Navajo woman who never gives up by watching my mother because that's what she is too.

In the Navajo culture, children take the name of the mothers clan, but say they are "born for" their fathers clan. I am Kiyaa'aanii (Kee-ya-onee), born for the Kin l ichii'nii (Kin-lih-chee-nee) clan. In English, it translates into the Towering House People and the Red House People. I'm pretty sure, based on my clan names I was born to do real estate! How totally convenient it is that my business involves houses and RED none the less, as it is the color that signifies Keller Williams Realty which I belong to. So from this day forth, my business empire is Tall Red House. Hear it and remember it because like Hammy and I say....we're going to take over the world!